Unravel the wackness

Gentlemen! It's winter time again, and that means sweaters. I'm not talking about the nice, form-fitting, fuzzy ones you like to see the ladies wear. (Although we could talk about that later! I generally take a medium ;-) No, I'm talking about the ones you wear. Do you have any of those 1980s-looking sweaters, with weird colorblock patterns or other ugly designs? Do you have any sweaters that are very obviously not-yet-vintage acrylic knit? Do you have anything with random sections of white, teal, and burgundy on it? Do you have any that were purchased back when you (A) feathered your hair (B) were sporting a mullet or (c) seriously considered getting an Alice in Chains or Stone Temple Pilots tattoo?

Many of you have sweaters fitting at least one of those descriptions. In fact, most of the gentlemen I have dated, with very few exceptions, have been severely sweater-impaired. This in-depth (though admittedly unscientific) research leads me to conlclude that as many as 80% of otherwise eligible, attractive, and quite dateable men will be walking around looking like Chess King at some point in any given winter.

This is the fashion equivalent of having a booger hanging out of your nose. You should sport neither boogers nor Chess King on dates, when meeting parents, at a party, or really anywhere in public. You know how you feel when you see your special lady wearing a big old ratty, frumpy pair of granny panties? You know the ones with the elastic falling out? Now imagine that everyone in the room can see them. That's how we feel when you show up in one of those sweaters. It has, to put it politely, a similarly chilling effect on one's ardor. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

We all have favorite old clothes we can't part with for some reason or another. This is completely acceptable. I have some, like my William and Mary sweatshirt that is almost old enough to register for the draft. I wear such things while painting, sleeping, doing yard work, or lounging around the house. These are the proper contexts for items that have reached garment retirement age. Let these beloved articles age and die with respect and privacy, without subjecting them to the incredulous stares and derisive laughter of either the teeming masses or potential special friends.

I know you also have a practical side that is holding on to your old sweaters. They don't have any moth holes, it's a pain in the butt to go to the mall, your dear old grandma gave them to you, and/or you are never dating anyone during the holidays, so you don't get decent-looking sweaters as gifts. However, you are in luck -- you have options.

• You can get some reasonably fly and/or classic sweaters at places like L.L. Cool Bean, REI, J. Crew, CampMor, and other places easily accessible via the Internet. You can do it between rounds of online poker or while you're waiting for the porn to load.


• If you want to see stuff in person and still avoid the mall, go to REI or an outdoor sports store. They will have lots of attracitve and comfy sweaters and fleeces, plus, you get to look at bikes and GPS units and knives and kayaks and camping gear and all kinds of other fun toys.


• If you need some fashion help, take a girl shopping with you, or ask her to help you sort out the knitted time bombs in your closet. You all have some good female friends, and heck, it's an excuse to hang out with a chick while giving her the sense that she's working for the greater good. We dig that. Plus, she will consider it a compliment to her fashion sense, which will also score you some points. She will tell her cute friends, and they will think it's cute too. You can't lose.


• There is no shame in telling your mom/dad/sibling/significant other that you want something specific for Christmas. They don't know what to get you anyway, and without guidance, they may get you a ceramic figurine or a copy of Memoirs of a Geisha. I know you don't want that.


• As an added bonus, you also have several weeks to take your nasty old sweaters to Goodwill and walk away with a nice juicy tax deduction, while helping less fortunate people stay warm (albeit unfashionable) this winter.

I've even coined some phrases for you to repeat to yourselves as you assess your wardrobe this winter:
* Take a hint, ditch that lint
* It don't mean a thing if you look like Chess King
* If brothers sport an ugly sweater, the ladies are not gonna sweat'cha

Stop embarassing yourself and update that sweater collection! If you don't think it will impress the bunnies apres ski, it's not going to work at Eleven50, Dark Horse, or even the Earl, so off to Salvation Army it goes. Don't let that old yarn do your sex life harm!